All I Want
by clcummins12
Summary: Beginning at Season 5: Harvey and Donna have split, but for how long? Rated T for language, but may move up later on.
1. Chapter 1

All I Want: Chapter 1

She smiled, pleased with another day well done. After looking over her clean desk and the newly arranged roses she had placed in the corner, she frowned for a moment, realizing that being Donna, she had never smiled over a job well done in the past. Then again, in the past she had never been one to be easily distracted or thrown off-course. That had all changed when she went to work for Louis Litt. So she wasn't pleased that she had completed all her work duties on a timely manner. No, she was congratulating herself that she had gone another day without allowing the pain to consume her every time she saw him walking down the hallway, every time she saw him smile at his new secretary, Angela, and every time he looked her way, his eyes burning into her very vulnerable heart. She would try to smile, but she knew he could tell when she faltered; knew he could tell it was all an act. So, she began to avoid his gaze, and then avoid him all together. To say it was easy would be a lie, but she knew it was the only way she could get back to being Donna; get back the shattered pieces of her heart that had never fully been put back together.

She had never been the type of woman who would ever let a man in to the point where he could have so much control over her. But this was different; he was different. She had trusted him with her whole life on more than one occasion. But when the time came for him to step up and be the man she had hoped and longed for, he wouldn't.

Hurt and confusion clouded her head as she grabbed her coat from the back of the chair. She knew if she had kept working for him, it would just cause her more grief in the end, so she left. She regretted the decision every day since, but she knew she'd regret it even more if she stood idly around wondering day in and day out if he'd ever change his mind and take that plunge. At least this way, they could perhaps one day go back to that friendship they had once held so dear. It would take time though, she would have to heal and make sure she was ready. The only problem was: Harvey Specter wasn't a man one could easily move on from.

"Everything ok?"

Donna jerked her head up to see Rachel standing in front of her, a look of concern coating her face.

"Of course. Why wouldn't it be?" She quickly put her coat on and grabbed her purse before beginning to walk toward the elevator. Not surprisingly, Rachel followed.

"Just thought I'd ask seeing as you were staring into space for almost a full ten minutes."

"Are you asking for an explanation or—"

"Oh, I already know why, what I'm asking is do you need someone to talk about it?"

Donna pushed the elevator button down with a little more force than usual, wanting more than anything to be home by herself where she wouldn't have to be forced to confront her feelings.

"Rachel," she began turning to face her friend with the smile she'd practiced for almost a month now firmly in place, "I'm fine. There's nothing to talk about."

"Donna, we've been friends long enough to where I can tell your bullshit smile from your genuine smile. You were there for my troubles with Mike. Now, let me be there for you and Harvey."

"There is no 'me and Harvey'." Donna replied just as the 'ding' sounded and elevator doors opened. Donna quickly got on and pressed the lobby floor, closing the elevator doors shortly after, but not before seeing the hurt on Rachel's face.

Once alone, Donna slumped against the side railing. She felt awful for hurting those closest to her but she needed more time. She wasn't ready to talk about what had happened and she wished Rachel could see that. But knowing the friendship the two had built up over the years that wouldn't happen anytime soon because loyalty meant something to them. Loyalty and friendship came hand in hand, and she knew no matter what she said or how she acted, Rachel would never stop trying to help and stop trying to pry her open because truth be told, that's what Donna needed. Someone who would push and who would force her to open up and be there for her during her time of greatest need. Like Rachel said, that's what Donna had done when her and Mike had problems, so she shouldn't expect any different.

She sighed as the doors opened realizing she needed to apologize, so before she could change her mind and let her tiredness sweep over, she pressed the button for the firm's floor level to do just that. She waited as the doors began to close but suddenly jumped back as a hand swept through just as the doors were about to close completely.

She looked up only to feel her heart drop to the bottom of her stomach and a deepening pain fill the void area now left exposed because the man who had just gotten on the elevator was none other than Harvey Specter.

 **Writing has become the source of my escape. With law school coming up in the fall, I feel like I will use this as way to escape from the pressure and stress of it all, but I make no guarantees.**

 **Hope you enjoy.**


	2. Chapter 2

All I Want: Chapter 2

Harvey had ridden this same exact elevator to get up to his office many times and he swore it had never taken this long before. He continued to stare straight up, watching as the numbers went up one by one after each floor they passed, well aware of the woman standing next to him, but not daring to acknowledge her. At least not with words, but he couldn't help but glance her way and notice the way her eyes were downcast to the floor, her back rigid, and he inwardly cursed himself, looking straight ahead once more, for the damage he had caused, not just to her, but to them.

To say these last couple weeks had been easy for him would be an outright lie. He had never had an easy job, but even his hardest weeks at work never compared to the anguish and the stress he was feeling now. He couldn't think, could barely eat, and sleeping? Just forget it. He was lucky if he got one, maybe two, hours of sleep a night. It had gotten so bad that even Jessica had told him he should take a couple days off for how tired he looked. He knew there was no way in hell he'd do that though. The thought of staying at home with nothing to do but be alone with his thoughts…he hated to see the consequences that could come from that. So instead, whenever he couldn't sleep, he'd worked. He'd studied his cases over and over, day in and day out, even when he already knew all the information he'd needed to know.

He needed to keep his mind busy or else it would start to wander, and wandering always left him in a worse place than where he began. So he tried to push it out—to forget it all together. And no matter how hard he tried to forget, no matter how many times he told himself he didn't care, it all came tumbling down every time he stepped foot in the firm, because not matter how he tried, he could never forget that he lost the one thing he cared most about in this world, and from the looks of it, he was never getting her back.

He heard Donna clear her throat, bringing him back to the present as he waited for her to speak, but hearing nothing he couldn't help but tear his eyes away from the numbers and look at her once more. This time, however, her eyes were now focused on him and they bore into him with a look he had only seen once before. His heart ached at that look because he knew there was nothing he could do to fix it like he had in the past, and realizing that made him feel an emptiness that he had begun to become familiar with during these past couple weeks. He watched as in another blink Donna's look began to change and her hurt dissipated into a wall of steel.

"Donna, I—"

"Don't. "

Harvey was taken back, but opened his mouth to say something, anything that he could muster, but not before he was cut off again.

"Whatever you're going to say, just don't."

Donna closed her eyes and took a long, deep breath before slowly blowing it out. Her eyes of steel focused on him once more and he knew in that moment that nothing he said would change the facts because she had put her guard firmly in place.

Just then the doors opened and she walked briskly out while he was left staring blindly at her back.

It wasn't until another throat cleared that he realized he was still standing in the elevator with other people waiting to get on and leave for the night.

He felt his heart beating in his chest as he got off, and couldn't hide the falter in his step as his vision became blurry. He heard his name called faintly in the distance, but didn't have the power to answer, using all of his focus and energy to make it straight to his office without passing out, or worse, showing his weakness to Donna whom he saw out of the corner of his eye just down the hallway talking to Rachel. He quickly shook his head and focused on his goal once more. He just had to reach his office, get some water, and take one of the pills that had been burning a hole in his pocket ever since he got a refill the night before. He could feel his steps weakening and he tried with all his might to pick up his pace as his head began to swim with all the stress and hurt he had felt just moments before.

Panic attacks had become a regular norm for him now, but that didn't mean that he knew the best way to handle them. At first, he had tried to be strong and fight them off by sheer will. That had ended in him nearly fainting in his office a few days ago which is what led him back to his therapist in order to get a refill on the pills he had simply flushed down the toilet. This time, however, he wasn't going to be that stupid and accepted the fact that he may not be able to handle it on his own.

Upon reaching his office, he made a rush toward the water that was sitting on the table and began to pour a glass, fumbling with the cup and splashing water everywhere because he couldn't stop his hands from shaking. The door opened behind him, but he no longer cared who saw as he took out the pills from inside his suit jacket and quickly punched one out of the pack and popped it into his mouth. He washed the pill down with the water, and quickly refilled it, taking another drink for good measure.

He felt a hand on his shoulder and looked over to see Mike standing next to him, a worried expression on his face. Luckily his mind had cleared up enough just as he heard Mike tell him he was calling an ambulance.

"Mike, stop!"

Mike stopped, halfway to the door, and turned around, not quite ready to back off yet, his body stance saying that by itself.

"It takes a few minutes, but then it'll stop."

Harvey took careful steps around to the front of the chair and sat down slowly, leaning back and letting the drug take it's full effect. Mike watched, but said nothing, waiting to see if further help was still needed.

Harvey's breathing slowed to a regular speed and he no longer felt or heard the strong beats of his heart. He wiped the sweat that had been forming at the top of his brow and took another slow sip of water, setting the cup down with stable hands.

"What the hell is going on?"

Harvey shook his head, still not looking at Mike and said, "I got a call from one of our client's. As it turns out, he was approached by another firm and is considering signing with them. We need to find what leverage they have and—"

"Alright, I'm not talking about work. I'm talking about why your face looked like it had seen a ghost and you nearly passed out in your office. Not to mention, those." Mike tilted his head toward the pack of pills Harvey had mindlessly discarded on the floor in front of him after taking his needed dose. Harvey bent down and picked it up, quickly putting it back in his suit jacket and out of sight.

"I don't want to talk about it," Harvey said standing up and straightening out his suit. "What I do want to talk about is our client and what we're going to do to get him to stay."

"I don't give a shit if he leaves and takes another few clients with him. What the hell just happened?"

"Look, Mike, I appreciate the concern, but what's going on in my personal life is none of your business."

"It is when it causes me to nearly run to Jessica and tell her how this is the second time this week you've nearly fainted in your office."

"What you need to be focused on is our client, not me!" Harvey said, raising his voice and standing up straighter in the process, establishing his dominance.

"I'm only one who is focused on you! Ever since Donna left—oh my god. That's it, isn't it?"

"This has nothing to do with her." Harvey said, turning and walked behind his desk where he focused his attention out the window. He let out a deep breath; his knuckles tightening on the desk behind him as he felt Mike's gaze focus intently on him, letting him know he wasn't about to let this go. After a few moments of silence he finally spoke, "I've started having panic attacks." He let that hang there for a minute before continuing, "Ever since Donna left…they won't stop and I don't know what to do."

Mike stepped forward, "Have you seen someone about this or—"

"Every Tuesday and Thursday."

Harvey could see in the window reflection as Mike's eyes widened in shock, but quickly returned to normal before he asked his next question, "Which is where you got the pills?"

"Bingo." He turned around to face Mike. "Look, I don't want you telling Rachel about any of this."

"Of course not."

"Because if you do and she tells Donna—"

"Harvey, I won't. I promise." A pause went by where mutual respect and sworn solitude passed between the two. "What do you need me to do?"

Harvey smirked before tossing a manila folder across his desk.

"I need you to help me win this goddamn case."


End file.
